got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
