is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He felt like a one man threesome
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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