Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
