she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have fence marks all over my body
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
