If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
