The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
