Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
