he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
