I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
