Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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