he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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