New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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