I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
