So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
