she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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