i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
