okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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