is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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