I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
