Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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