We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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