i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
