sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
