chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
