my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
