I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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