Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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