What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
