you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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