You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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