At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
