I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
