What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
