She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
