I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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