Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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