So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
