Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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