I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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