No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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