I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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