I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
