if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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