why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
