Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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