why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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