he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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