So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
