The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you had me at cake vodka
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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