Don't you send me to vm
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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